Overcome a Poor Working Relationship
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by Michael Chaffers
How can you negotiate important matters -- like compensation, benefits or promotions -- with a manager, team-mate or direct report if you don't trust that person, don't feel respected, or the person feels you don't listen? Here are some tips.
Define Your Goals Appropriately
When you focus on improving the working relationship, you are not trying to become friends with the other person, or to be liked. You are trying to make sure that, in spite of any personal feelings, the two of you are able to constructively deal with your disagreements and differences. Your aim is to create a relationship in which you can talk honestly with each other and work together to find good solutions to hard issues.
Put Aside Substance to Focus on the Relationship
The only way to resolve a relationship or communication issue is to directly discuss it. Many people hope to cure problems in their working relationships by coming up with the right substantive solution, thinking that if they get the right answer, they will get along better with the other person. In fact, it is quite difficult to discuss substantive issues when you and the other person do not trust, respect, listen to or understand each other. You are far more likely to reach a frustrating stalemate than a mutually acceptable resolution.
A better approach is to realise that when you have significant relationship problems you should focus on improving the way you and the other negotiator communicate with or treat each other. Then return to the substantive issue. For example, one of my clients made a commitment to himself to not talk about his desire for a promotion for three weeks. During that period, he met four times with his manager, and in each meeting he limited the conversation to the issues that were damaging their working relationship. After that period, he felt ready to raise other important issues.
